- Judith Akatugba
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This is how a greatest-hits soundtrack resulting from self-criticism may sound: It was supposed to be a better project for you. How come the house isn’t cleaner? You completely botched the soccer match! You’re a lousy friend, a terrible father, and an even worse coworker. Furthermore, you’re wasting so much time now that you’ll be late once more.
Almost everyone has a predisposition to evaluate themselves negatively, sometimes to a great extent. According to Rachel Turow, a clinical psychologist in Seattle and the author of The Self-Talk Workout, “people treat their self-criticism as though it’s part of themselves, like their eye color.” “Oh, I’ve just always been my own worst critic,” they reply. Furthermore, a lot of individuals are unaware of how harmful it is.
As Turow makes clear, listening to your loud inner critic is a habit rather than a set personality trait. It is frequently made worse by social media use, emotional abuse, bullying, sexism, homophobia, and childhood trauma. In addition, it may serve as a kind of self-defense since, according to Turow, “nobody else can hurt you as badly as you’re going to hurt yourself” if you’re cruel to yourself.
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However, it makes sense to work on stifling self-criticism because it has been shown to exacerbate suicidal thoughts and behavior, disordered eating, depression, anxiety, juvenile delinquency, and self-harm. (In certain instances, there is a reciprocal relationship: depression has been found to increase the tendency for adolescent girls to self-criticise.) Conversely, those who possess greater levels of self-compassion are less likely to struggle with mental health issues.
According to Atlanta-based clinical psychologist Lakeasha Sullivan, there are two main categories of self-criticism. A few of these ideas are “I statements” in the first person, such as “I’m so lazy.” Some speak in the second person: “You didn’t visit the gym this week.” The latter are often the most sneaky. According to her, “those thoughts are processed by our brains as if an authoritative figure is speaking to us.” “They act as though they can predict the future, even though they are aware of all our flaws.”
Luckily, we have a plethora of resources at our disposal to encourage positive self-talk.
We asked professionals to offer their best strategies for overcoming negative self-talk.
1. Investigate the origins
Understanding the source of one’s own thoughts is the first step towards combating self-criticism, according to Chicago psychotherapist Tiffany Green. She frequently asks her clients, “Where did this come from? ” when they say bad things about themselves. Who said this about you for the first time, in your opinion? The answer usually tells you something about the person: perhaps their grandma advised them to lose weight, or perhaps their mother called them sluggish.
According to Green, “it starts to feel like a lightbulb.” It enables people to consider whether this really needs to go on. She goes on to say that instead of taking critical thoughts as your own, the experience is a useful technique to distance yourself from them.
2. Change the language around it
Sullivan frequently reminds her clients that although we are persons who access our ideas, we are not our thoughts. That language contributes to a strong sense of distance. To counter a negative idea, we could say something like, “My inner critic says I’m lazy,” as opposed to, “I’m being lazy.” The way it feels is completely different because of that, she claims. “We are able to respond to the critic. The critic can be disregarded. As an alternative to viewing the criticism as a form of self-loathing, we can determine whether there is anything worthwhile to be learned from it.
3. Set up a self-criticism jar
Put a penny or scrap of paper in a jar each time you notice yourself thinking critically. Green suggests putting it in a very prominent location. Initially, you want to have a lot of pennies in the jar since that indicates that you are becoming more conscious of your thought patterns and how they affect your feelings and actions. However, you should observe that you’re adding to it less regularly throughout the course of the next three to six months. According to her, having a visual representation of your development may be energizing and satisfying.
4. Enlist support
Critical ideas might occasionally take on the subtlety of background elevator music that you are unaware is there. Green advises getting a spouse, friend, or therapist to discreetly call your attention to instances in which you are speaking poorly about yourself. Make an informed decision because, as she notes, “having someone say, ‘You just criticized yourself,’ can be very off-putting.” “There seems to be more criticism,” On the other hand, a reliable confidante can assist you in identifying trends that you would not have otherwise noticed.
5. Practice loving-kindness meditation
According to research, emotional well-being can be enhanced by practicing loving-kindness meditation, a form of mindfulness. According to Turow, it can also assist in altering your self-talk. Saying affirmations to yourself, such as “May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease,” is part of the practice. Green says, “You repeat these in silence for about five minutes.” “Many say it sounds corny, but after doing it for a few weeks, they see some results.”
She continues, “It’s beneficial to have a counterbalance to the automatic critiques that frequently cross your mind.” You’ll know just what to say to yourself when that painful noise in your brain becomes unbearable.
6. Try a breathing exercise
If establishing a regular meditation practice seems overwhelming, Turow advises beginning with a very quick practice that just calls for one breath. Say “inhale, my friend” when you take a breath and “exhale, my friend” when you release it. She suggests doing a small act of kindness, such as breathing in and referring to yourself as a friend, to help change your default state of self-criticism into self-love.
7. Celebrate your wins
“Spot the success” is a go-to self-talk technique used by Turow. She describes it as “sort of the opposite of a to-do list.” “Think of it as a done list.”
Prior to going to bed each night, make a list of the ten things you accomplished that day that helped the world—either itself or someone else. Nothing is too little. She says, “You took your vitamin, you got out of bed, and you texted your friend.” It causes your brain to feel as though “I am doing these good things.” That can be an effective counterbalance to self-criticism and the all-too-common sense that you didn’t accomplish enough that day.
8. Use a neutral voice to replace your inner critic.
Positive thought correction is a difficult process that takes time to manifest. Green advises neutral ideas to counter them first, then working your way up to positive ones.
For instance, let’s say you always give your hair criticism. Try asking yourself this instead of “It’s lush and gorgeous: “What if I’m wrong? How come my hair seems fine? That gets you to the point where you can challenge the negative notion, and it’s a more practical (and sincere) approach than pressuring oneself to adopt a cheerful outlook.
9. Look for the (gentle) lessons
According to Turow, self-criticism can occasionally provide valuable information and even be beneficial. For example, you can be harsh with yourself if you don’t stay in touch with your pals. “It’s important information,” she remarks. “I believe that at the end of the day, it stems from this place inside that does want to support your friendships.” Alternatively, if you’re disappointed in yourself for skipping the gym, that can be an indication that you’d like to lead a healthier lifestyle.
Turow suggests taking note of the critique with grace and using what you’ve learned. Change the way you speak to yourself and the meaning you convey. Use something like, “This is really important to me,” rather than, “You suck at keeping in touch.” How can I get it to happen more frequently, I wonder?
