- Enoch Oyedibu
- Emotions, Toxic relationships
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No one can teach this skill; it can only be acquired through practice, experience, and sometimes, hardship.
In the words of Daniel Goleman, in his book “Emotional Intelligence,” humans are almost 80 per cent beings of emotions, emphasising that a “fight and flight” brain part of a human’s cranium is an emotional brain. This part does not work based on rationality—what is right or wrong— as the neo-cortex does. It rather acts based on the impulses received through the amygdala (another part of the human brain), which will then react based on what is received without quizzing whether it is right or wrong. Sometimes with this brain, irrational decisions are made and the products of these decisions end in catastrophe. This was why Goleman wrote over 600 pages of the book, advocating for the need to build intelligence around human emotions and dexterity to put them under control so that one would not irrationally act. Still, many don’t know how to control their emotions in the heat of anger, frustration, depression or hatred among others.
Controlling one’s emotions requires thorough self-discipline. But that’s not all. Awareness of the possible activities that can influence one to irrationally act through emotions is key. Worthy of note, one of the activities that can easily taunt human emotions is a romantic relationship. Especially, when it becomes toxic; makes one feel disrespectful, pounces on partners’ self-esteem, feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, attacked, angry, or tired. It can be exasperating. It can cause emotional damage, trauma and serious mental illness.
About 90 per cent of those who may experience a toxic relationship and cannot control their emotions, when struck with its Armageddon, can go haywire, leaving reality behind while building a labyrinth around themselves. Some commit suicide while some, homicide.
As Goleman noted in his book, Robert Green also stated in 33 Strategies of War that Humans’ rationality is softer than their minds, stressing that what truly sets humans apart is their capacity to experience a wide range of emotions.
So, how will all these emotions be controlled and help impact liberation in a toxic relationship. Green said, rationality is an illusion, but providing a sense of control and stability, is life. This means that the first step to getting out of a toxic relationship is awareness of one’s emotions and controlling them to one’s advantage.
It’s crucial to understand that the mind is often weaker than emotions, particularly during moments of crisis. In such times, what proves most valuable is not additional knowledge or intellect, but internal discipline and resilience.
“No one can teach this skill,” said Green; “it can only be acquired through practice, experience, and sometimes, hardship.” The following strategies serve as exercises to strengthen the mind, offering a counterbalance to the overwhelming influence of emotions in a toxic relationship. There are six strategies adapted from Robert Green’s 33 Strategies of War.
1. Be exposed to conflict
One of the surest ways to confront one’s fears in a toxic relationship or life is to do so directly rather than avoiding them. This fosters familiarity and reduces anxiety. Learn to hold the bull by the horns. If she cheated, confront her; and If he beats, confront him too. Don’t be boxed up in a labyrinth of fear. Confront it.
2. Embrace self-reliance
Independence is key. One can seldom rely on others, they may and their failures or disappointments may impact one’s judgement. No one is advising “six surest ways to not trust in a relationship”. Trust is key. But don’t expect anything in return. High expectations bring disappointment when it’s not met. One’s partner may not always meet up with the expectations and this will greatly impact judgement, leading to the major causes of emotional turmoil that often collapse the stance of rationality in humans. Don’t do that. Embrace self-reliance and when it is discovered that the relationship cannot be saved, one’s independent mind will help to walk away where and when it is necessary. While some relationships with tolerance, it stands; some relationships cannot just work, so it is better to let go when it is getting tp toxic.
3. Tolerate foolishness
Robert Green said, “Accepting that not every battle is worth fighting preserves mental energy.” This means even in foolishness, one is wise. In relationships, some arguments don’t require bells and whistles. They aren’t worth it. Though communication matters and everything requiring discussion must be discussed, unnecessarily hammering on some minute issues that hold no weight, will communicate frustration to a man and communicate hatred to a woman. If this continues, the affection in the relationship will wax cold, and then, both parties can just be disinterested in each other. Unwilling to live, cheating and a series of frustrating experiences would set the tone. What should be enjoyed then would not be endured. Don’t do that. Learn to tolerate foolish things. It gives credence to one’s mental health.
4. Channel panic into productivity
The period of panic is the most proactive one. What only happens is those periods are uncontrolled by oneself. However, staying focused on familiar activities minimizes the impact of an overactive imagination on mental stability. If he beats, don’t retaliate, but quickly find a way to end it. Especially, when there’s no remorse or sign of change.
5. Identify intimidation and don’t be intimidated
Viewing adversaries as equals rather than formidable figures helps maintain equilibrium. By humanizing others and diminishing their perceived power, one can retain confidence and clarity in challenging situations.
6. Cultivate intuition
Developing swift decision-making skills and a deep understanding of surroundings enhances responsiveness in stressful circumstances. Cultivating intuition through familiarity with environments and intuitive thinking aids in making rapid, effective choices.
Ultimately, cultivating a resilient mindset is an ongoing practice, beneficial not only in adversity but also in everyday life. By nurturing a warrior’s frame of mind, one can achieve a constant state of presence and preparedness, ensuring stability and confidence in any situation.
Read Also: 5 Habits of Highly Successful People
Enoch Oyedibu
I am a writer and investigative journalist who specialises in literary criticism and underrepresented narratives. Among other publications, I have been featured in Business Day Nigeria, TheICIR, Platform Times and Daily Nigerian. Right now, I work as a full-time staff writer for Unconventional Magazine.
